We’ve all had the experience. Waking up thirsty, we get up out of bed and begin cautiously groping around in familiar surroundings, now wrapped in darkness, looking for orientation. After a moment it begins to feel like we’ve got our arms around the situation and found a foothold, our stride becoming (slightly) more confident. Suddenly this confidence is dashed by a sudden intrusion of disorientation, imbalance, and pain, the latter beginning in the foot and shooting up through the shin. Amidst unspoken obscenities we wonder to ourselves: “Did I just break my big toe??? Surely not!? hmm… Maybe I should check to be safe.” Either way, the glass of water was not worth it. Time to turn around and go back to bed.
For whatever reason, this universal-ish experience popped into my mind off and on over the years as a student as I read texts, wrote about texts, and generally tried to make sense of myself and the world around me. One step forward, two steps forward, a stubbed toe, and then back to bed. The analogy falls apart at this point, because while no one could be said to enjoy performing awkward pirouettes at 2am (angry, throbbing foot in hand), hoping to avoid falling on top of the glass coffee-table, I always enjoyed the exploration of ideas, even when hitting an unexpected end, since this meant it was time to start over. A thinker who was once (and in some ways may always be) dear to me, Jürgen Moltmann, was a fervent believer in the notion that the beginning could in fact be found in the end. On this point, and likely more than a few others, the German theologian offered the world a clearer vision of possibility than Billy Corgan. Though to be fair to Billy, he’s the better songwriter (likely? maybe? hopefully?).
Regardless, the inevitable dissatisfaction with a conceptual, systematic perspective would also be the signal for beginning a new search. Disappointment and limitation were in fact energizing events for charting a new course. Channeling Moltmann again, it was a chance to excitedly ask and wonder “what’s beyond the horizon… what’s over there?!?!” More importantly though, over time this insight generalized and broadened for me, extending outside the world of scholarship and the formal reading and analyses of texts. It became a fundamental orienting belief for all areas of my adult life. Reaching the end, being stopped dead in one’s tracks, hitting a wall, stubbing one’s toe, failing, losing something precious, however you want to describe or slant it, these awful experiences were okay because the pain was simultaneously a signal that something new could begin.
Over the last few years, the ability of this belief to nourish and sustain me has never been more uncertain, as I sustained several losses and encountered several “endings.” One in particular was so intense as to be the defining end of my life so far. At times it seemed like the end. I’m sure in due time I will get into all that on here, as I don’t plan to bracket personal experience, reflection, and my overly earnest nature out of this space. For now, suffice to say, for the first time in ages it really was up for grabs in my mind as to whether or not I believed that any end, no matter how jarring or painful, could be the seedbed for new blooms.
In time, I’ve come to reaffirm that it can be; Any loss, any end can also be the start of something new. So, what I’d like to do in this space is explore… well, whatever I want really, but all of it will be different ways of exploring, either overtly or under the hood, the same thing, the new life I’m discovering. I’ll talk a lot about books, music, loss, and whatever else grabs my attention. The goal is to post somewhat consistently while improving the look and broadening the scope of the site over time, as I get a better idea of what I want it to be. More importantly, I hope to write more loosely and casually than I usually do, so as to not self-censor or self-edit my thoughts and personality out of existence. There will be stops, starts, stubbed toes and awkward pirouettes along the way. It will be a fun, new experience. I’d love for you to join me.
Stubbed Toes 